The "Now What?" After Achieving the American Dream
I had a bit of an epiphany the other day. The American ideal has us set out on a pretty specific path, if we decide to travel it. I did choose to travel that path. I never really considered another path, and I know because of that I bring with me a certain amount of privilege and gratitude. The path I’m talking about is the one where we:
Go to college
Get a good job
Live on your own and explore a bit
Date to find a partner
Get married
Get a dog
Buy a house
Have a baby
And have another baby
Which is lovely. I’ve accomplished all those things in that exact order. If this were a to-do list, I would be so satisfied with myself and how I crossed them out in order. Actually, we got a dog a few months before we got married, but that’s neither here nor there. The problem is that I did not create this path. I love my path. Don’t get me wrong. I’m so, so happy with where I’m at in life. But I also had no say in creating this societal ideal for women between the ages of 18-40. And the even bigger problem that I realized the other day is that I have no idea what is next. Or how to decide what is next.
Because I had the past 17 years prescribed for me, figuring out what to do next since I accomplished all these tasks feels impossible. There’s a whole world out there and I’m struggling to figure out who I am and where I fit into it. And while I know there are about 100 factors that play into how motherhood has such an effect on us, I wonder if the “now what?” also plays into this for mothers as well. Especially for women who pride themselves on being high-achieving?
I don’t really have any big thoughts on this, but it did feel like a revelation. Like maybe this is why I have felt so lost since becoming a mother. According to society, all my boxes are checked. No one would think anything if I hung up the towel and stopped trying to have a third child or coasted the rest of my career. To a degree, it feels like society doesn’t expect anything from me anymore. That I’ve done my part. Which is very freeing and also scary. Because I do believe I hold a responsibility to do more. Not to add to the to-do list of women, but to help the expectation of women to be more than just well-educated wives and mothers. And while I have no idea what that looks like, it’s very nice to know there isn’t a specific mold that I have to fit myself into.
I followed this path too, and while I'm not regretful, I wish I hadn't sped through it quite so quickly. It's not a terrible order to go in, but the way I felt like I needed to bam, bam, bam, cross off the to-do list as quickly as possible left me with not much left to look forward to in my early 30s. I have some friends who are mid-30's, also following the path but at a slower pace and with bigger breaks between milestones. Now they're two adults with dual incomes and no kids - and maybe it's the sleep deprivation, but I keep thinking, yeah that might have been a nice phase to chill out in for a little longer.
A few years back, a friend and I were commenting on how were were in the void of questions period of our lives.... You graduate high school, people ask about your college plans, you graduate college and people ask about where you are going to work, you start to date and people ask when are you gong to get engaged, you get engaged, it's when is the wedding, you get married, it's when are you going to have a baby, you have a baby and then it's when is #2 coming , you have a second child and then it's.... nothing!! All questions stopped. They stopped until my daughter was a high school senior and then the college question started.... Will I get all the other questions just now about my kids???