Mentally Preparing for Baby #3
I’ve started and deleted this post several times. It feels so weird to talk about and I don’t even know where to start with it because it’s so many things. So, before I get started I’d like to give you a head’s up that I’m going to talk about how I am mentally preparing to have a third child. I’m not pregnant. I don’t even know if I will be able to have a third child. But we would like to have a third child to complete our family and I know we are very grateful to even have the option to have a third. If you’re not in a headspace to read about expanding families, please do not read this post. I know how isolating it can feel and what that ache feels like, so please do what’s best for you.
My baby is about to be a year old, which is when my husband and I agreed that we’d start trying for baby #3. I know we’re not forced to hold ourselves to this agreement. I got pregnant with our second right as our first was turning a year old so we already know this age gap and while challenging, it’s all we’ve ever known. We’re also old parents. We’re both 35. Our oldest is 2.5 years old. At this point, I will be at least 36 when baby #3 is born so it feels that we need to push through and get it done while we still have the chance.
We weren’t trying but weren’t preventing when I got pregnant with baby #2. I’ve had more than my fair share of complications when it comes to getting pregnant, staying pregnant, and being pregnant, so we didn’t want anything else to affect growing our family. There is a 20-month age gap between them. Part of me wishes that we had more time with our oldest before we had another baby, but now that the kids have started playing and interacting more it’s really sweet to see and I know they will be close.
If I got pregnant right now, #2 and #3 would also have a 20-month age gap. My preference would be for there to be at most a 24-month age gap between them, which is a lot of pressure to put on myself - especially given my medical history. I joke that I am pretty good at getting pregnant, but not good at staying pregnant. I’ve been pregnant 5 times with 2 babies to show for it. Both of my children are considered “rainbow babies” as I experienced pregnancy loss before both of them were born. The timing feels like it’s not up to us. It feels like we just have to go for it and hope for the best. I’m a little jealous of the people who have that perfectly planned age gap for their kids.
Will I experience more losses?
Part of mentally preparing to have baby #3 means mentally preparing for a possible miscarriage… again. And then I wonder what it would be like this time. I’ve felt fortunate that all three of my miscarriages happened early on and didn’t require medical intervention beyond taking misoprostol. But part of dealing with losses means that I am always worried it will happen again and while my worries get a little better once I start to feel the baby move, I also get more nervous and feel like the pressure is on. Right now, the thing I am most looking forward to about being done with having kids is that I won’t have to worry about miscarrying anymore.
How long will it take?
I also spent the better part of 2019 and 2020 trying and failing to get pregnant. We never figured out why despite numerous blood tests. After getting pregnant very early on in my “journey” to have a baby and then experiencing two losses, I spent almost a year to the day trying to get pregnant after our second loss. I was on the verge of being referred to a fertility specialist when I got pregnant with baby #1. So that’s another thing I am trying to mentally prepare for… how long will it take? Is my body ready? Will we get the timing right? We’re still not trying, not preventing like the last time but it all feels so up in the air.
Thankfully, I’m in a much better place mentally on this one and I was when I was pregnant with baby #2 too. I don’t know if you’re supposed to say this or not, but it’s true for me so I will… but having a healthy pregnancy also helped lessen the blow when my next pregnancy ended in another loss. Actually knowing that my body is capable of carrying a healthy pregnancy did wonders for my mental health. And that is also true of how long it might take. I know I’m capable, but I’m also a little bit anxious since I am getting older and it feels like the clock is ticking.
What will happen once I get pregnant?
While my two long pregnancies have resulted in two healthy babies and I think the pregnancies themselves would be classified as healthy, they haven’t been without their challenges. I’ve had a subchorionic hemorrhage with both. With my second, the bleeding started at 14 weeks and I ended up going to the ER, convinced that I was miscarrying again. Everything ended up being okay, but it’s something else I worry about at this point. Will it happen again? Will I have to restrict activity again?
Those are my biggest worries. The smaller worries are things like:
At what point will my body start to hurt to sleep?
Will my baby be sad he’s not “the baby” anymore?
How much weight will I gain?
Will my feet get bigger again?
How will I survive the first trimester with two needy toddlers?
Do we have any business having three kids?
As I said… a lot of random thoughts taking up mental space on this stage. It’s bittersweet too because we will be done having babies after baby #3. It all feels like so much to think about and to prepare for, but I also feel a big hole in our family right now. I watch our kids play and it feels like someone is missing. Like there is meant to be three of them playing together - not just the two. All of this pales in comparison to actually completing our family. While we’ve been in this stage for going on five years now, I think about how this is such a short stage of life compared to the years we will get as a family. And that helps… but in the thick of the stage, it’s a lot to think about and worry about.
I hope this all resonates with someone out there. It feels like such a lonely experience, even in my own home. While my husband has been with me every step of the way through these challenges and my worries, he obviously doesn’t carry the weight of them the same way I do. If you’re going through any of this, including experiences like pregnancy loss, unexplained infertility, medical complications, etc., feel free to reach out if you just want a chat. I’m happy to be your semi-anonymous internet friend.