Joy and play as an overwhelmed adult

I’ve known for a while now that I have allowed myself to fall victim to that classic mommy-martyring thing that happens when you lose your identity. It didn’t happen on purpose. Motherhood is very consuming, and I don’t necessarily think it happens to people only because they become parents. Anything you allow to consume you fully could have the same effect, like a job or a relationship.

For too long now, I focused on practicalities – keeping things minimal, concentrating only on what’s important, and not allowing myself to have any fun. It has happened mostly out of necessity because sometimes just getting through the day is what is necessary. Some days you pour so much of yourself into your work and family time that at the end of the day, there is nothing left for you.

It’s been such a bummer. You can only go so long without having fun before you start to lose your sense of identity.

I realized my identity has become tied up in my relationships with others, which feels quite sad. My personality doesn’t show through in my home via little trinkets, souvenirs, and keepsakes. I’ve lost the knowledge of who I am and what I’m good at. I’ve forgotten the little things that bring me joy. Over time, it feels like my personality has stopped shining through altogether. I used to be someone who could recommend great podcasts, books, and TV shows to anyone. Not to toot my own horn too much, but my recommendations were excellent and personalized based on who I was talking to. Now I’d just have the one show I’m watching right now to offer up. I’m not sure I’ve ever shown much personality through the clothes that I wear or how I’ve decorated my home, but I admire the people who do it well. It’s such a bold and proud declaration to the world.

When we do icebreakers at work, I struggle to come up with answers that are about me and not about who I am to my family. And it’s not just about having an answer ready to go when I’m asked. Part of the reason I started this newsletter is because I want to live a life that I can be proud of. I want to do things that bring me joy and that make life worth living. Not that I feel as though life isn’t currently worth living. I’m not depressed or anything. I have happiness and hope and love. But I also want to make myself happy and hopeful and to love the parts of who I am that are not wrapped up in identities related to other people. I know I’m a good mom and wife and employee. But what else can I be?

I want to incorporate play and joy and fun into all aspects of life.

I often ask myself: what is the point of life? What are we meant to do here? If this is just a big alien experiment, what’s the hypothesis? I strongly suspect it has something to do with connections and community. As humans, our purpose is to connect and serve each other. And to connect with others, you need shared experiences and joy… right? Sometimes I don’t feel like I have many shared experiences to talk about that can connect me with others.

I’ve started a list of some ways I’d like to have more fun, but please share if you have other ideas or ways that you do this yourself. I need ideas!!

• Join a tennis class

• Watch classic and great movies that I’ve never seen before

• Stop trying to monetize everything

• Try thrifting

• Add more personality to my environment