Do What You Want

The absolute chokehold this campaign had on me back in 2013-2014 is unreal.

Does anyone else have a hard time doing what you want to?

For example, it’s Saturday night. My kids are asleep. My husband is doing his own thing. It’s a rare moment of “me time”. The TV is mine. I can watch pretty much whatever I want, but for some reason, there is an internal roadblock asking me “is it really worth it to change the channel?” Ultimately, the answer is yes. What’s on the TV is nothing I want to watch. I could turn the TV off completely, but I want to find something for myself to watch. So I quickly browse through the channels and land on Beetlejuice because that seems like a great way to welcome Spooky Season.

But the whole scenario, which only lasted about 30 seconds, made me think about how I am so quick to disregard what I want. Usually, in favor of someone else. I’m in mom mode or work mode pretty much all day. I set aside time for myself early in the morning, but it’s not necessarily leisure time. I use that time to get ahead of work or personal tasks. And if I find myself doing a more “leisurely” task, like online shopping or browsing social media, I will soon enough tell myself that there are other things I could be doing that are a better use of my time and the time I dedicate to my family.

It’s exhausting.

Writing this down makes me realize it’s an effect of being in “survival mode”. Having two really small kids sometimes makes everything feel like an emergency. I spend so much of my day deferring to others and what they want me to do or what I have to do for them. It feels almost like I’m stuck in that mode.

This is why I wanted to start this blog - a space that can be mine and I can talk about things I love and want to talk about without being interrupted by a tiny human. And sometimes I can talk about these things with my husband, but it’s just not the same as it is talking with girlfriends… you know?

I’m giving myself… and you… permission to do whatever it is that you want to do. Do you want to spend your time watching a movie as old as you are? Do you want to figure out how you’re going to dress your body this fall and winter? Do you want to take a nap? Do you want to go explore a part of the city that you’ve never been to before? Do you finally want to start that hobby that you’ve been interested in? DO IT!

I firmly believe that indulging in these activities will not only make you a happier person but will also make your family happier. Maybe you’ll find new friends too. I encourage you to do something that is just for you. No matter how big or how small. It reminds me of when I took a solo trip to Washington D.C. before I met my husband. I had been a few times already, and I love the city, so I went by myself for the 4th of July. I had recently gone through a horrible friend breakup, so the person I would typically go with wasn’t available. I ended up loving the solo trip. I got to go where I wanted to go when I wanted. Eat where I wanted to eat, even though all those meals were eaten alone. I thought it would be weird, and it never felt weird once I was there. I was so proud of myself for going alone and taking the risk. I’d never done anything like that before. And I miss that part of myself.

In a very sad (read: pathetic) way to conclude all of this, it’s like I have been living in muted color and I’d like to be the more vivid, colorful me. More expressive. More open. More willing to say “yes”. More. I have been quiet and reserved for way too long, which if you know me you know is not my nature. I don’t want people to have to wonder who I am or what I’m about. I want to be known and loved for it.

xoxo, Kate